Not in the Cards Page 12

  “All right, all right,” Miller wheezed. “Just let go. You’re hurting my neck.”

  “I’ll hurt more than just your neck if you don’t apologize nicely to my partner.” Letting Miller go, Tony folded his arms across his chest like a father waiting for his son to explain how the car got dented. Miller, a man who stood a shade over five-seven, was no match for the larger, stronger rookie, who stood glowering at him.

  Bowing his head, Miller rubbed his left jaw as he approached Delta. “Look, Stevens, I said something about you to Carducci and I’m really sorry for it.”

  Now, Delta folded her arms as well and she and Tony stood like bookends towering over the shorter officer. “What could you possibly have said that would piss Carducci off so much?” Delta had an inkling, but she wanted Miller to own up to it.

  Looking away from her piercing eyes, Miller shook his head. “I’d rather not say.”

  Tony suddenly took a step toward him. “If you had the balls to say it to me, at least have them to say it to my partner’s face.”

  Delta tried not to grin at Tony’s constant use of the word “partner.” Clearly, he took the idea of a partnership seriously. Ah, she thought, a strength in his character she could appreciate.

  “Well, Miller? It appears as if you owe me some kind of apology for saying—”

  Clearing his throat, Miller inhaled deeply and glared at Tony before eventually spitting out, “I said you were a...”

  Tony moved a little closer to him.

  “...a pussy-eating dyke.” His voice was barely audible, and Delta had to strain to catch every syllable.

  “And what else?” Tony growled.

  “And I’m sorry, Stevens. I shoulda kept my mouth shut.”

  Delta nodded, feeling bitter that she had to work with someone so close-minded and cowardly. “Yes, you should have.”

  “Can we just forget I said anything?” Miller stuck his hand out to Delta, who only looked at it with disdain.

  “Sure. I think I’ll also forget that you’re a homosapien. You know what that translates as? Of course you don’t. It means, ‘man who thinks.’” Delta inhaled through flared nostrils. “I should have let Carducci twist your little pencil neck like the rotten twig it is. Get the hell out of my face before I let him.”

  Picking his hat up off the ground, Miller quickly scurried away. “Son of a bitch,” Tony muttered, straightening his own uniform.

  Walking over to him, Delta slapped him in the shoulder. “And what’s the matter with you? You can’t go around beating people up who say things you don’t like. For God’s sake, Carducci, do you have to act like such a Neanderthal?”

  Buttoning his collar button, Tony shrugged. “I can take a shot at someone who thinks they can spread rumors about my partner just because she’s a better cop than he’ll ever be. Miller’s an asshole who obviously doesn’t have anything better to do with his time than run around gossiping like a little old lady.”

  Delta simply shook her head at his frustrating naivety. He envisioned himself as her champion, as the partner who would waylay anyone who said a bad word about her. And she knew she couldn’t just let this go. If he was going to jump into every bit of gossip with both feet, he at least deserved to know the truth about the person he was defending.

  “Carducci, I appreciate you defending my honor, but there’s something you should know.”

  Nodding, Tony waited.

  “What Miller told you is not a rumor.”

  Tony leaned toward her as if he hadn’t heard her correctly. “What?”

  Delta grinned. He looked as if she’d just slapped him across the face with a dead fish. “I said, it is not a rumor. I am exactly what he said I was. Well...maybe not in such gross terms.”

  Tony opened his mouth, but nothing came out. For a moment, he stared at her, as if trying to understand a foreign language. After a thick moment of silence, his only words were, “You are?”

  Delta nodded. “I am. Although his wording was more vulgar than I prefer, the sentiment is the same. I’m a lesbian.”

  Tony just stared at her. Tense silence hung heavily in the air as they waited to see who would be the first to break it.

  Finally, Tony cleared his throat and quietly said, “So...let me get this straight. What you’re saying is...that you’re gay.”

  “If that’s an easier term for you than lesbian, yes, I am.”

  Shaking and scratching his head, Tony’s face showed utter confusion. Finally, he looked up at Delta and grinned. “You sure had me fooled.”

  Brushing a smudge off his shirt, Delta started toward the unit. “Fooled? How so?”

  “I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s just...you look...so normal.”

  The word made Delta cringe. “Just what does ‘normal’ look like, Carducci?”

  Tony shrugged again and Delta knew by the pinkening of his cheeks that he was straining to find the right words. So far, he had been unsuccessful.

  “Well...I don’t really know. I mean, I watch the news. I’ve seen lesbians and stuff before, but I never thought—”

  “That you’d actually work with one?”

  Tony bowed his head. “Something like that. I also thought...”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, that you all looked alike.”

  Delta smiled. “Oh, I see. You thought we all looked like truck drivers with flannel shirts, big leather belts, chewing tobacco in our mouths, and sporting traditionally male haircuts.”

  The pink turned to red. Bull’s-eye.

  “You can be honest, Carducci. You did, didn’t you? You probably also thought we all hate men and run around with hairy armpits and no bras.” Delta paused and glanced down at her chest. “Not that it wouldn’t be nice not to have to underwire every day.”

  The red in Tony’s face deepened. “Well...I...”

  Delta smiled gently at him as a signal that her words, though harsh sounding, were not intended to put him on the defensive. She had done that too many times as a young, almost militant lesbian, who didn’t care that stretching her wings often meant poking someone else in the eye. “Come on, Carducci, it’s the nineties. Just like the rest of the world, we come in all shapes and sizes. The day of wearing green on Thursdays is over. Besides, don’t you think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone in California who could define ‘normal?’” Delta waited, but she could tell that Tony was still chewing on her first questions. “Carducci, lesbians don’t—”

  “Shh,” Tony said, putting a finger to his lips and looking around quickly to see if anyone was within earshot. “You want people to find out?”

  Delta smiled and shook her head. “Most of them already know. It’s no secret.”

  Tony’s eyes grew wide like a child who just found out Santa doesn’t exist. “It isn’t?”

  Opening the car door, Delta got in and waited for him to fold his long legs in and close the door before continuing. “People keep things secret when they are ashamed or afraid. I’m not. I came out a long time ago because the secret was eating me up inside and making me pretend to be someone I’m not. When I came out to Miles, I knew it was the right thing to do.”

  “Because you knew he wouldn’t let anyone fuck with you?”

  “That, and the fact that I was tired of the charade. Pretending to be straight takes so damn much energy. After awhile, it feels like one big game to see how long you can keep people guessing. I just got tired of it.”

  “But what about all the assholes like Miller, who give you a bad time about it and say shit behind your back?”

  “Well, you already said it. He’s an asshole. He’d have some knife to stab in my back if I were a straight woman and not interested in him. Jerks are naturally like that. I learned long ago not to waste my breath or my fists on someone that narrow-minded. Some people can open their minds, some can’t. I don’t choose to spend time trying to pry open the minds of those who can’t. It’s simple. Besides, I don’t parade my sexuality around. If I did, the br
ass would make soup out of me.”

  “Don’t the other guys...you know...guys like Miller...don’t they give you a bad time?”

  Delta shook her head. “Look, after shooting the legs out from under another cop, nobody messes with me now, unless they’re just stupid.”

  “Like Miller.”

  “Yeah. Like Miller.”

  As they pulled out of the lot, Delta sensed Tony mulling over her words. She waited in relative silence while he sorted through this new information. She didn’t care whether he accepted this revelation or not. It would simply be harder to get along during his TP training if he harbored any resentment or hostility. That was the problem with coming out to new partners. Reactions were always unpredictable and, often, the news created tension. Unfortunately, having Tony Carducci for a partner was tension enough.

  Finally, when Tony spoke, his voice was softer and quieter than she had ever heard.

  “Delta?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’ve been thinking it over. About this...gay thing and all.”

  “And?”

  “And I don’t really care who you sleep with. It’s just...”

  “What?”

  “Well, to be honest, I’ve never known a gay woman before.”

  Delta grinned at his choice of words. “Lesbian, Carducci. We’re called lesbians. It won’t kill you to say the word.”

  Tony swallowed loudly and stared out his side of the window. “I know. It’s just that I’ve never known any...lesbians before...I mean, maybe I have.”

  “More than likely you have and just didn’t know it.”

  Tony nodded, his face a mixture of consternation and puzzlement. “I guess, the hard part is that I know you think I’m some kind of chauvinist pig and all, and now I don’t know what not to say. I try to keep my mouth shut but...”

  Glancing at him, Delta reached over and patted his shoulder. For all of his overflowing machismo, Tony Carducci did have a heart. Sure, he was naive and had an overabundance of testosterone, but at least he cared enough to ask questions. At least the man inside the body wanted to know how to coexist with someone far different than he had ever known. And this little bit of insight shed more light on Tony’s character than anything else Delta had seen so far. Hope poked its head around the corner.

  “Look, Carducci, say whatever you’d normally say, unless it’s derisive or discriminatory. If you were working with an African-American, you wouldn’t make stupid Black jokes, would you?”

  “No way.”

  “Then give me the same respect you would anyone else. It’s not a disease. While you certainly don’t have to walk on eggshells around me, I don’t want you attacking me, either. Treat me like you did before you knew and we’ll get along just fine, okay?”

  Tony stared straight ahead and nodded. “I think I can handle that.”

  “Good.”

  For the next ten minutes, the only sound in the patrol car was the crackling of the radio. Delta was glad that Tony chose to think to himself instead of trying to make polite conversation or small talk. She had to admit that he’d taken the news better than she thought he would.

  He had, after all, listened with an ear that showed a gentle concern for their working relationship. Unlike many of the other men she had told, Tony had not made any lurid comments about “watching” or what was it like sexually. His first concern was for their partnership, and she liked that.

  “Thanks for sticking up for me, anyway, Carducci. I appreciate it.”

  Tony shrugged and looked away, the pink reappearing on his cheeks. “Wasn’t anything. I didn’t do it because I think being gay is disgusting or anything like that. I did it because you’re my partner and no one can just rip on my partner when I’m around and expect to walk away without some teeth missing.”

  Delta hid her grin. Playground politics were at work here, and she knew there was no use in trying to talk him out of twenty-something years of male socialization. “Well, thanks, anyway. It means something when someone sticks up for you, know what I mean?”

  Tony nodded. “I may not know the streets very well yet, Delta, but I do know a little bit about people. And I know that you’re good people regardless of who you sleep with. You’re good people and you’re a damned good cop. Who gives a shit about the rest?”

  Delta shrugged, letting the grin slip just a little bit. “More people than you might imagine.”

  “Well, not me. What you do on your own time is none of my business. And vice versa.”

  “Agreed.”

  As the car silently slipped through the streets like a snake slithering across the jungle floor, Delta thought about her other coming out experiences. She had learned to resist predicting how someone would react to the news. She’d had husbands of best friends toss her out of the house. She had watched her sister-in-law move the baby into another room, and she had seen people she barely knew welcome her into their families with open arms. She couldn’t have predicted that Tony would have been okay with her.

  “You’re really being a trooper about this, Carducci. It isn’t an easy thing for some men to get used to.”

  Tony turned in his seat to fully face her. The pupils in his eyes were dilated and his eyebrows formed a crown as they knitted together. “I may be a lot of things, Delta, but stupid isn’t one of them. I wouldn’t trade being taught by you for anything in this world. Teach me what I need to know out here. The rest isn’t any of my business.”

  “No, it isn’t. But being a lesbian isn’t about sleeping with women. We have relationships, commitments, unions. We’re couples in every sense of the word.”

  “As long as you don’t steal my action, know what I mean?” Tony forced a grin and shrugged. “Letting a lady get away to another guy is one thing, but I don’t know how I’d feel if we were both hitting on the same woman and she walked away with you. Nothing personal, but I don’t think I’d handle that very well.”

  Delta shook her head. “Trust me, Carducci, you and I will never compete for the same woman.”

  Tony shrugged. “I guess not, huh?”

  “Besides, I’m...” Delta hesitated. What was she? Committed? Separated? Alone? “In a relationship.”

  Tony looked sideways at her. “No kidding? You don’t look like the domestic type to me.”

  Delta laughed. “I don’t?”

  “Nope. You look like someone who likes playing the field.”

  “Well, I’m not. I like being monogamous.”

  “Really? Good for you.”

  Delta patted his arm. “You know, Carducci, you’re okay. Stick with me, and the rest will follow soon enough.”

  Tony stared at Delta and squinted. “The rest?”

  “Of your humanity training. I’m going to make an open-minded human being out of you yet.”

  Just then, their number came up on the radio and Delta motioned for Tony to take the call. Watching him speak into the mike, Delta warmed inside. It had been a long, long time since a man had defended her honor. It had been just as long since she had felt comfortable with a man as a partner. Tony’s willingness to jump to her defense spoke volumes about his level of integrity and his understanding of the importance of partnerships.

  “Ready to roll?” Tony asked, turning on the lights and sirens. Delta nodded. “I’m ready, Partner.”

  The night continued without incident or further discussion of Delta’s sexuality. It appeared as if Tony was at least able to accept the initial phase of her coming out to him. That was a big plus in his favor. It also meant he was capable of separating the person from the badge, and that was equally important. Many rookies didn’t learn that lesson until it was too late.

  Delta wondered if she had ever learned it at all. “Delta?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks for leveling with me about this...lesbian thing. I’ve been sitting here thinking about it and it must have taken a lot of guts to open up to a guy you don’t like very much.”

  Delta flicked her high
beams at a slow moving car and shook her head as she whizzed past it. “It has nothing to do with liking you, Carducci. If you can’t trust your partner, no matter how different you are from each other, then you’re in trouble.”

  “You trust me?”

  Delta thought about this before answering. “Yeah, Carducci, I do. I wouldn’t get into the car every night with you if I didn’t.”

  “What about my stupid mistakes?”

  “Mistakes are only stupid when someone gets hurt by them. Besides, you’re allowed a few mistakes.”

  “As long as they’re not too stupid?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Did you make stupid mistakes?”

  Delta winced inside at the memory of the biggest mistake she had ever made. Every day since Miles had died, she looked at the shotgun in the unit and wondered what her life would be like now if she had had it the night they stopped that van.

  “Yeah, Carducci, I have.”

  Delta peered through the night, looking for any sign of her best street connection. After cruising past the pool hall, the pizza joint, and the liquor store, she finally pulled up to two prostitutes standing on the corner.

  “What are you doing?” Tony asked as Delta rolled down her window.

  “Listen and learn, Carducci.” Then to the women, “Hey gals, long time, no see.”

  “Delta!” the tall black woman in the red wig shouted as she ran over to the window. Her left pump nearly got wedged into the sidewalk and she practically stumbled into the car. “Hey, Sugar. You take our best gal and disappear into Never Never Land? Where you been?”

  Delta grinned. Candy was one of Delta’s favorite prostitutes. “Getting into all sorts of trouble.”

  “And where’s Megan? Where you been keeping her, girlfriend?”

  “Off the streets, that’s for sure.”

  “Hey, girl,” the short white woman said as she moseyed up to the car. “What’s shakin’?” Leaning over, the woman saw Tony and winked. “Mm Mm, but your partners just get better and better looking.”

  Delta looked over at Tony, who blushed. “All looks, girls, and no money.”

  Both women laughed. Then Candy leaned in closer. “Whatcha need, Sugar?”